The first time I met Julius was in front of a bank. I had gone to withdraw some money that day and he walked up to me when I was leaving. After introducing himself, he told me he was a branch manager in one of the newspaper publication agencies in Ghana. I was single and open to meeting new people so I allowed myself to get to know him. We spoke on the phone often and spent a lot of time together. He didn’t waste time asking me to be his girlfriend. And I also didn’t string him along. I was interested in him so I said yes. Everything went on smoothly. Shortly after we started dating he visited me at home and met my parents. And everyone who met him liked him.
I had just completed nursing school when we first met. So after a few months together I had to do my national service. I was posted to a town outside our region but Julius told me; “I am not sure I can be in a long-distance relationship. Try and change your posting.” This man was my world and our relationship was something I cherished. I wasn’t ready to lose it to long distance. So I applied for reposting and got posted to our region. I was happy that everything was sorted. However, I started noticing some red flags. My boyfriend was often cold to everyone around him including me. When I complained he said, “It’s nothing personal, I just like to be alone most of the time. So stop being clingy.”
I didn’t understand why he said I was clingy, because I wasn’t. My work as a nurse didn’t permit me to have the time to be a clingy girlfriend. I barely even visited him. And on days I visited him, it was never unannounced. He on the other hand knew my schedule, and he always visited me unannounced. I am not the outing type so he always found me at home. I never entertained any male friends too, so we never had problems concerning me and other men. Our relationship was a stable one, something that made me happy. I saw him as the man I would spend the rest of my life with. But as time went on, he became inconsistent with me. He would ignore me for days, and then text me out of the blue acting all nice. The stable relationship I was enjoying became something chaotic.
I sat down and thought about things, “I don’t understand Julius. He disappears for days and shows up without any apologies. He just acts nice and expects things to be alright. I deserve better than this. I will break up with him.” Just when I was ready to tell him that I was no longer interested in the relationship I found out that I was pregnant. I was scared. I didn’t know what it would mean for our relationship. When I told him the news he said, “I am disappointed in you for letting this happen. You are a nurse, you should know better. Anyway, it has happened already so let’s think about a solution.” “What do you mean we should think about a solution? It’s pregnancy, not a disease.” I retorted. He shrugged, “Well, I am not ready to be a father so you have to get rid of it.”
“That’s never going to happen,” I told him. He wasn’t happy about my decision but later he came to tell me, “It’s okay, you can keep the baby. I am the only child of my parents so they will be happy to have a grandchild. We will get married after you give birth.” I agreed and we started planning for the arrival of the child while making preparations for marriage. His parents were happy about the baby, as he said, but they did not want us to get married. I don’t know what their reasons were, Julius didn’t tell me. But he stood against them and fought for us to be together. I remember the day he took me shopping for a ring. He chose 18-carat rings for both of us. It was so romantic. He was there with me throughout the pregnancy journey. And three months after delivery we got married on a beautiful day in December 2019.
Three months after we got married, the COVID-19 pandemic arrived at the shores of Ghana. Julius was preparing to write IELTS exams by then. A lot had changed in the country and that change affected my husband. He started complaining about everything. One day we were at home when he said, “This baby is always crying. I don’t have any peace in this house to learn anymore. I am going to the office.” He left for his office and returned home late. I was very tired when he got back so I didn’t ask him any questions. The next day he left first thing in the morning and returned very late at night. Again, I was too tired to ask him where he went. The following day he repeated the pattern. And so it went on for seven months.
In the seventh month, he went out one day and he didn’t return that night. He came home the next morning, already dressed for work. I asked where he spent the night but he didn’t respond. Later in the day, he called to tell me he came home late and slept on the couch. I knew it was a lie but I didn’t argue with him.
Fast forward I was posted to work but we weren’t getting paid so I had to rely on him for everything. And he did not disappoint in that regard. He was taking care of the home but he no longer came home. He would leave the house and appear two weeks or a month later, and act clingy, have shuperu with me, and then run off again.
Besides his publication job, he was working as a part-time lecturer at a university in Accra. So I thought all the time he spent away from home, he spent in Accra. That’s why I didn’t raise any concerns when it started. My focus at the time was taking care of our daughter. And I never informed anyone about his disappearing act. His parents didn’t support our marriage so I couldn’t go to them. As for my mother, I was scared of what she would do if I went to her. So I kept quiet and endured his behaviour.
I became a laughing stock in our house because I was technically married but practically single. One day when he came home I asked him, “If I have wronged you in any way tell me and let me apologize because don’t understand why you have abandoned our family.” His response was, “I haven’t abandoned anyone. I still take care of my daughter, don’t I?” That was the end of the conversation. I became desolate. So I confided in one of our co-tenants. That was when she told me, “I am surprised you don’t know what your husband is up to. Everyone in this neighbourhood knows about him.” I was confused, “What are you talking about?” She gave me a look of pity, “Do you know that your husband has rented a chamber and hall apartment in town? Do you know he drives a car now? When he is not with you, we see him driving around with different girls. He takes them to his place, and sometimes he brings them to your place when you’ve gone to work. How can you not know this?” .
I was stunned. All along I was so busy focused on my work and my child that I didn’t know what was going on. Or maybe I was too afraid to face the truth so I turned a blind eye to all the signs. After my conversation with my co-tenant, I started watching my husband’s movements closely. I found out that everything the woman told me was true. Sometimes I even see him in town with the girls. He is currently dating a fair lady who lives behind our house. He knows that I know now so he rubs it in my face. When we meet in town he just looks at me and keeps driving. I fought with him countless times but he has refused to change. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I informed both our families about his behaviour and asked for a divorce.
My parents were surprised, “This has been going on for two years and you kept it to yourself? We support your decision to leave the marriage.” However, Julius’ family called my family to a meeting with the pastor who officiated our marriage. After I told my side of the story, my husband told everyone that he left home because I don’t allow him to watch the news, and I am always rude to him. I was not aware of anything like that because he never said anything to me. The pastor’s response was, “The two of you shouldn’t get a divorce. Forgive each other and give your marriage another try.”
It’s been three weeks since that meeting and he has called us only once. I’ve also called him only once. We’ve moved to a new apartment but he has never come to visit us there. Yet I see him drive in town with different girls in the passenger seat. He sends us only GHC100 at the end of the month. The other day I sent him a text that his daughter is sick and he sent us GHC200 cedis. He is doing well financially at the moment but he does not want to spend his money on us. So I am concentrating on my nursing career and taking care of my beautiful daughter.
Most people don’t know that he is married. It seems he is ashamed for people to know that I am his wife. And that’s okay with me. After all, I am also ashamed to be called his wife. I used to have chronic candidiasis when we were sleeping together but now that we don’t do it anymore I am as clean as dew. It turns out he was the one giving me infections and messing up my system. I want to end the marriage. I am only twenty-eight years, I am too young for all this stress. But I am trying to respect my pastor’s advice and wait for a while before I make my move.
