He was not the first man I dated, but he was the first man I loved, and I am sure that he is the only man I have ever loved. I met him when I was in a really dark place in my life. I was convinced that no one in my life cared if I lived or died. And boy, I wanted to die so badly. I am naturally an introvert but my mental illness made me self-isolate. I had lost interest in anything that had to do with living; school, friends, family, and church. But when I met Luke, something stirred inside me that reminded me that I was alive. When he smiled at me, I felt light shining in the darkness that consumed my soul. And when he looked at me, I felt seen.
I remember how it felt when we first started talking. It was mostly via text. Most of our conversations were silly, but they made me laugh. And I had not had any reason to laugh in a really long time. So, I was drawn to him, like a moth to a flame. The first time he invited me over to his house, I went. He pounded fufu for me and we ate and talked about everything. He shared his bad relationship experiences with me, and I also shared bits of mine. He told me, “After everything I have been through, I still believe in love. I believe that someday I will meet ‘the one,’ and everything will fall into place.”
I asked him, “You believe in the one?” and he said yes. I was touched by that because I also believed in finding the one person who would make everything fit. When it was time for me to leave, he hugged me and said, “Would you like it if I kissed you?” My heart started pounding in my chest erratically, and I couldn’t speak. So, he kissed me. It was gentle and passionate, and it turned my brain into mush. And I knew at that moment that I was doomed.
We kept talking as before, and he invited me over to his place again. This time I didn’t go, because I didn’t trust myself around him. However, we met in town and went for long walks. Sometimes we would stop in the middle of the road and kiss, and then laugh when angry drivers honked at us. It was crazy, but I did have a death wish back then so I guess that explained our reckless behaviour. During all this time, I saw him as a friend but he occasionally referred to himself as my boyfriend. The night we had our first intimacy, I went home feeling disoriented. It was mind-blowing.
One day we were together when his phone rang. It was lying by me so I took it to give to him and then I saw the caller ID “Baby”. When he picked up, he couldn’t talk comfortably. After the phone call, I asked him, “Was that your girlfriend?” He gave me a guilty look, “It’s complicated.” I got angry, “In my experience, when a guy says his relationship is complicated it means ‘I have someone I’m committed to but I want to screw you.’ So if that’s what you mean then you already got what you want so leave me alone.” then I stormed out of his place.
He called me several times to apologize, “Please hear me out, it’s not what you think. Give me time to explain myself.” But every time he called, I would tell him, “Leave me alone, I am done with whatever this is.” I think I even blocked him at some point but he called me with another number and asked that I hear him out, so I did. He told me, “This lady and I dated for five years but things didn’t work out. However, our families are involved so it’s been difficult breaking up with her officially.” “Why is it difficult? Is there a child involved?” I asked him. He told me no, and that he was working on it. Oh, to be young and foolish! I believed everything he said, and I started seeing him again.
At a point, our relationship became official. He introduced me to his brother, cousins, and friends. He told me I didn’t need to inform him before visiting him. I knew where he kept his keys so if I showed up and he wasn’t home, I would just let myself in. I had access to his phone and he also had access to mine. We didn’t live together but we were almost always together. He wouldn’t eat unless I was there to eat with him. And sometimes he would insist I go with him to the bathroom before he took his bath. We spent most of our nights together too. One time, he even proposed that we go to the bush and do number two together. At that, I said; “Okay, this is where I draw the line. I subscribe to us doing things together but not to the extent of shitting together.”
With the amount of time we spent together, I was certain that I was the only girl in his life. One day I was going through his photos when I saw a little girl’s photo. Just out of curiosity I asked him, “Whose child is this?” Luke looked me dead in the eyes and said, “She is my daughter.” I thought it was another one of his jokes so I laughed. But I realized I was the only one laughing. He looked at me with all seriousness and said, “It’s the truth. I meant to tell you under different circumstances but now you know.” I was so angry, “I asked you if you had a child and you said no. Why did you lie to me?” He asked, “If I had told you the truth would you have gotten involved with me? Even now that I have told you the truth, you are angry.” I told him, “I am not angry you have a child. I am angry because you withheld important information like this from me.”
It was a lot to take in so I took some time apart to think things through. By then too, my mum and my brothers had found out that the man I was dating had a child with another woman. They told me it wasn’t right so I should end the relationship. I knew they were right, and I knew that it would be best if I walked away, but I had fallen so much in love with him that I just couldn’t. He told me he and the lady were over, and that the only thing between them was the child. So I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and trust that our love would survive in the end.
He also did his best to involve me in his daughter’s life. He brought her over so I could bond with her. He also called me whenever he visited her and sometimes, we stayed on the phone until his visit was over. We even shopped for the child together. I never questioned his intentions toward me because of the things he did. He was also very sweet. He would make me breakfast in bed, and cook for me whenever I visited. Whenever we had problems, he would make us talk about them. The concept of marriage never appealed to me until he came along. He was the kind of father I wanted for my kids and the kind of man I wanted to share my life with. The icing on the cake of our love was lovemaking, it was always magical.
A while into the relationship, I noticed he started withdrawing from me. He was never like that so I asked if everything was okay. He told me we would talk about it. When he was ready, he called me to his place, cooked dinner, and we had another one of our magical moments. After that, he told me; “I know you have questions about the change in my attitude. It’s about the mother of my child. Her family is insisting that I marry her, if not they will take my daughter from me. I don’t know what to do.” I was hurt when he said that but I told him, “I know that no one can take a child from a father who is bearing responsibility. But if you want out of this relationship and you want me to make it easier for you, then go and marry her. I won’t hold it against you.”
He accepted the breakup with ease, and then later turned around and started acting hurt. He said he was put in a difficult situation, and that he didn’t have a choice. This guy would come to my house and cry that he was heartbroken, and I would end up consoling him, even though my own heart was broken too. Eventually, he stopped coming around and we stopped talking. I had friends who came to keep me company but in the middle of the night, our memories would come back and I would cry myself to sleep. Guys, at that point in my life I was very sure that I would die of heartache. I couldn’t eat without thinking of him, and I couldn’t sleep through the night without reaching for him, only to find that I was sleeping alone.
We ran into each other a few times after the breakup and he tried to talk to me but I ignored him. I hated him for a while because I felt he didn’t fight for us as I fought for him. He married the mother of his child three years after we broke up, and a year after that he reached out to me. I had gotten over him then but I didn’t want to let him back into my life so I ignored him. I dated a few people here and there but I kept looking for pieces of him in all of them so those relationships didn’t work out. To date, I haven’t met anyone who made me feel the way he did. And that’s fine with me. I believe a love like ours is meant to be experienced once in a lifetime.
Anyway. It’s been seven years now since we said goodbye, and when I remember him, I smile fondly at our memories. I don’t hate him anymore, and I sure don’t love him anymore. All the pain and the heartache I felt are gone. I am currently single, but I am not in a rush to meet anyone yet. If love comes my way again I will say, “Why not?” and if doesn’t come my way again too I am content with myself. I just want to share my story to inspire all those who are going through heartbreak. The pain you feel when you think about them will not last forever. One day you will wake up and realize that all the heavy emotions that accompanied their memories have disappeared. And then you will realize that some things are just not meant to be.
