I have been going back and forth, and round and round in circles for the past eight months. It all has to do with my first love and the only man I have ever loved, Joojo. Before I met him, I was your typical hard-to-impress and hard-to-get girl. I am not saying that it is a good thing, I worked on it and changed eventually. Anyway, when Joojo came into my life I had no interest in him. He wooed me for over three hundred and sixty-five days before I said yes to him. So, you can imagine how deeply I loved him. Because the love took a long time to be nurtured.
A year into our relationship, he left me painfully. I didn’t do anything to hurt him. We didn’t get into any fight. He just withdrew from me completely and later said the relationship was no longer working for him. I asked him, “What do you mean the relationship is no longer working for you? If it is something I am not doing right tell me, and I will change.” He just said, “I am sorry but my mind is already made up.” That’s how he served me a hot plate of my broken heart.
After the breakup, I was hurt but not completely crushed. Sure, I cried and moped around for a while but it didn’t take long for me to pull myself together. Just when I felt I was ready to move on I met a new guy called K.K. When it came to him, I didn’t take a long time to agree to date him. Honestly, he was a rebound. I didn’t know it at the time but later realized I only dated him to get over Joojo. So, I did not love him. He, on the other hand, emptied his heart into my palms. His love was the glue that mended my broken heart. And his affection was the healing potion that sped up my healing process. And although my heart did not sing of his love, I was determined to make things work with him.
That was until Joojo strutted back into my life two years after he dumped me. He was clothed from head to toe in regret for the way he left me. And he sang pleas of forgiveness. “I don’t know what demon possessed me to leave you, but I promise you that life has exorcised me of it. I am a changed man now. Please give me a second chance to prove it to you.” It wasn’t just empty talk too. He did things to show me that he was serious. I told him, “You are too late, J.J. I have a new man now, and he treats me right. I can’t just leave him because you’ve decided you want me back.”
He didn’t care that I was with K.K. He just did everything possible to chip at my resolve until I admitted that I was still in love with him. That was when it dawned on me that I was dating K.K to get over Joojo, and so it was easy to choose Joojo over him when the opportunity presented itself. I felt very stupid and guilty for hurting a good man who loved me, just so I could be with the man who broke my heart in the past.
A few months after getting back with Joojo, my guilt for leaving K.K multiplied and I could no longer bear it. So, I reached out to him and apologized for the way I left him. He forgave me and we became friends again. We talked often and became very close, but it was only in the spirit of friendship. I wanted to tell Joojo that K.K and I were friends again but I didn’t know how to go about it without causing any drama so I kept it. Besides, our relationship had gotten to a rocky place. Our communication was poor and we were both exhibiting traits of insecurity. And I didn’t want to rock the boat further.
One day we were together when he decided to go through my phone. And because I wasn’t doing anything wrong, I didn’t mind. However, he saw my chats with K.K and lost it. He didn’t even read the content of the message. All he saw was that we texted each other frequently and had video calls from time to time. And what pained him the most was that I had saved K.K’s name as Kaid. Joojo doesn’t know that name so he jumped to the conclusion that I was hiding something by saving the name differently. And I don’t blame him for thinking that way, because that’s what it looked like. But if he had read our chats, he would have found out the truth. We weren’t even flirting. We were just friends.
I apologized for the misunderstanding, and the fact that it hurt him that I was talking to my ex, but he wouldn’t listen. He told me, “You’ve hurt me too much for me to forgive you. I am done with this relationship, and this time I am not coming back.” I did everything possible to show him that I was genuinely sorry but Joojo wouldn’t change his mind. I went as far as speaking to his father to plead my case, but his answer remains no. He says we can only be friends, and I have tried to settle for that but it hurts that I can’t have him the way I want.
He screwed up a lot of times when we were together but I forgave him for all of it. Yet the one time I made a mistake, he won’t forgive me and give me another chance. It just makes me think that he doesn’t love me. He was probably already looking for a way out, and I presented him with one. It’s been eight months since the breakup and I feel stuck. I haven’t been able to get over him despite all my efforts. Sometimes when we are talking, I let him know that I still love him, and he gets angry and acts all hurt. Then we stop talking for some time. I feel like he is not as hurt as he is trying to seem. Maybe he just likes making it look like I was solely responsible for our breakup.
I am tired of trying to get over him and failing repeatedly. I feel drained. I am disappointed in myself for the way I keep going back to him when I try to move on. He has made it clear that he doesn’t want me anymore, so why can’t it sink into my heart? I think need professional help to get out of this. I would be grateful if any counsellor here would reach out and help me through this dark patch.
