When Mathew proposed to me, I said no. I knew his story and I thought he was not capable of true love at that moment. I felt he wasn’t fully healed to try love again looking at what he had been through. He said, “Why are you this mean? At least tell me you’re going to think about it and later come and tell me no. Saying no to me this way feels like I don’t even deserve a thought from you.” I told him, “The truth is always better regardless of how it is served. You have a long way to go to be able to love with your head and heart again.”
He said he knew me, he said he believe that I would be a good woman to him and he said I would help him heal faster than the rate he was going. That was when I didn’t agree with him. I didn’t want to be used as a healing balm. It’s always difficult. I would be the one to suffer the consequences of another woman’s actions, my steps would be monitored, my intentions questioned and my actions doubted all because of another woman’s mistake. I wasn’t ready to travel that road with him so I said no to him. I wanted to save both of us from that drama.
He dated a woman for four years. Not just any other woman but a woman he loved and gave his all to. The woman had an ex she couldn’t get over. The only reason she wasn’t with her ex was that the guy was abroad. Mathew knew about it but was ready to do everything to make the lady forget about her ex so for four years, he dedicated his time and energy to proving to the lady that he was better than her ex.
Four years later, they decided to get married. According to him, they did the knocking and started buying all the things they needed for the marriage. The woman was supportive so they put resources together to be able to buy those things on the list. When they needed ten pieces of fabric, the woman bought five and he also bought the rest. They bought the Bible, bought the rings and bought the panties. Everything on the list was bought even before they started counselling.
A week before they started counselling, the lady called to tell him, “Pastor has travelled and he’s going to be away for weeks so we can’t start until he comes.” One month later, he still was getting nothing but excuses from the lady. It got to a point he felt something was going on so he started doing his own underground checks. He went to the girl’s church one day and realized the pastor was there. He approached the pastor after church and enquire if something was wrong. The pastor said, “Nothing is wrong. I’ve been waiting for you two but each time I ask of you from her she tells me you’ve travelled.” Out of shock. He asked the pastor what could make her do that. The pastor advised him to put his eyes on the ground and find the answers for himself.
He did as he was told. In the end, he found out that his girlfriend’s ex was back in the picture. He returned from abroad and was messing with his girlfriend’s head. Any man would have ended the relationship but not Mathew. He felt they had come too far to let things go so instead of confronting her with the truth, he decided to play along with the hopes that the lady will change her mind and allow the marriage to happen.
The more he played along, the more the lady became rooted in the love for her ex. By the time Mathew decided to confront her, it was too late. According to him, his girlfriend looked at his face and said, “You always knew I loved him and would go back to him if he came back so why are you acting surprised?” He took the issue to the girl’s parents, trying all he could to salvage the situation. The parents tried their best but the lady’s mind was already made up. Their relationship came to an end and the lady went back to her ex, leaving their dreams behind and everything they bought for their marriage.
Three months later, he proposed to me. I felt it was too soon for him to heal completely so I said no. He kept coming, using different ways and means to get at me. Each day when he brought up the conversation, I said no to him. He told me, “I don’t mind how many times you say no to me, I’ll keep coming. I know I’m healed and I’m ready to fall in love again. I’ve promised not to make you suffer the consequences of my ex’s mistake. You just have to listen to me but if you won’t, then I won’t also stop coming.”
One day we both sat down and had a deeper conversation where both of us made promises and also made compromises. We talked about the future and how things were supposed to be. I asked questions based on my doubt, giving him the opportunity to dispel the fragments of doubt in my mind. I asked him, “If I agree to do this with you, how long will it take for us to get married?” He answered, “I’m ready. The rest is in your hands. Do you want us to get married tomorrow? Next month? Next year? It’s all in your hands.” I said yes to him and we began our love journey. Mine was to look out for red flags and draw his attention to them. His was to prove to me that regardless of what he had been through he was still capable of loving a woman flawlessly.
We set off with that understanding and everything was OK right from the start. When he erred and said sorry, I easily forgave him. When I went wrong, he didn’t wait for an apology before forgiving me. We made our mistakes and had our own fights but deep down we understood the bases of what we were going through. Most of the misunderstandings that came our way had nothing to do with his past or mine. It had so much to do with our individual differences. That aside, we were able to build a relationship that thrived on respect, love, forgiveness and care for each other. Once in a while, we had our own issues but we were largely a happy couple.
A year later he asked me, “So what next? I’m ready but I don’t know about you. You still have those fears and doubt?” I answered, “No I don’t have them and I’m ready if you are.” In August this year, he came home with his family to meet mine for the knocking rite. He was given the list and promised to marry me three months later. I thought I was going to contribute to purchasing some of the items on the list but for a long time it didn’t come up in our conversation. When I asked him about it he told me, “You don’t have to worry. I’ll take care of everything.” I asked, “You think you can buy all the things on the list without my help?” He answered, “I have most of them already. I only have to buy a few things and I’m done.”
It didn’t ring a bell when he told me he had most of the things on the list. I was thinking through the whole thing one night and I was like, “Wait, he said he has the things already? Does it mean he’s going to marry me with the same items he bought for his ex?” I called him, “Mathew, the things you said you have, are they part of what you and your ex bought for the marriage that didn’t happen?” He answered, “Yes, I kept everything with me and we can use it.” I screamed, “No we can’t. Those things belong to another woman. You bought them with her in mind so you can’t pass them on to me. Never. We need new things and I have to be there when you buy them.” He asked me, “You mean I should buy new fabrics though I already have more than your parents requested? I should buy new rings when I already have them. It hasn’t been used. They are new and are in a box. Why do I have to waste that much money again?”.
The fact that he thought buying new things for me was a waste of money rubbed me the wrong way but I kept my calm. I asked, “The rings, didn’t she try them on before you bought them? She did so it had been worn. I don’t want them. You said she bought some of the clothes. I don’t know which ones she bought and the fact that they were not bought with me in mind, I don’t want them. How can your ex decide what I should use for my marriage? We are buying new ones or we are not getting married.”
We’ve been going up and down with this for the past one month. I’m even tempted to buy my own rings and also buy the things on the list just to close this argument but he’s the one marrying me and as such has to buy those things. How can he give me the panties he bought for his ex? Rings, clothes and all? It doesn’t sound respectful to me and I want him to understand that but he still insists that it’s a waste of his money to buy new things when he already has them.
I want to ask, am I the one being insensitive here or it’s Mathew who’s failing to understand the dynamics of what’s at stake?” I’ve even asked him to sell them to raise the money to buy new things. I’m not comfortable at all with the way he wants to give me the things he bought for his ex. It’s always the thought that matters. I don’t want to be the girl he married because his ex ran away. I want to feel chosen and be given my own things to begin life with. I don’t know but tell me if I’m the one being inconsiderate here.
