We were going through premarital counseling when I discovered he was cheating on me. I saw a chat on his phone with a young university student. The part that hurt me was a text that read “I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you. You are the one I want to marry not her.” I didn’t need the genius to tell me I was the “her” he was referring to. I took the girl’s number from his phone and I called her. When she answered I told her, “Kwame is my fiancé and I just found out that he is proposing to marry you. Did he tell you we’re going through counseling?” I continued to tell her how far we’d gone with our preparations. I explained to her that people would be hurt if things got canceled. When I finished my rant she said, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to cause any problems. I had no idea how committed he was to you. Forgive me.” I thanked her for her understanding and hung up.
I was at home later in the evening when my fiancé called me. He sounded very angry; “Don’t call me again. We are over. I mean it.” Before I could say anything the call disconnected.
I understood then that he really loved the other girl. The fact that he is ending our relationship because I called her said it all. I had to deal with the fact that the wedding was off. I was disappointed but I tried to move on. Two months after the breakup, I found out that I was pregnant. My instant reaction was excitement. I contemplated telling Kwame about it but I decided not to. He had been calling and apologizing for his actions. He asked several times to see me but I always refused. My plan was to cut him off completely but the baby in the picture changed everything. I thought about how my life would be as a single mother. The more I thought about it the more I felt he deserved to know about the pregnancy. The next time he called I spoke first, “Before you beg me again to come back to you, I have to tell you this. I am pregnant.” He sounded happy; “Good news. Now you will take me back! Let’s resume plans for our marriage but we should do it as soon as possible. We should be married before you start showing.” I agreed and we resumed our marriage plans.
Everything happened so fast. At some point, he started giving me the cold shoulder but I was too busy planning our wedding to bother with his mood swings. I thought it was just the stress of planning the event getting to him. On the eve of the wedding, he disappeared the entire day and returned to the hotel at night wearing heartbreak on his face like bad makeup. I tried to talk to him but he just ignored me. On the day of the wedding, things went well as planned. On the outside, we looked so happy and very much in love, but if anyone looked closely, they would notice a wall between us.
Life after the wedding was hell. He continued to be cold towards me. He tried his best to avoid me. I cooked and he ate and we slept on the same bed but he wouldn’t touch me. He wouldn’t talk to me unless it was necessary. I kept wondering what I did wrong. This affected me badly. I fell into a well of depression. I felt myself dying slowly. Luckily I had friends around me who held me together and encouraged me. Their love was the light I held on to.
He disrespects me and our marriage so many times that I have lost count. He cheats on me with no sense of shame or consideration for my feelings. One day I went to the antenatal clinic. When I got home I knew immediately that he brought his side chick to our home. They slept in our bed. When they finished having their fun, they ate my favorite ice cream. That was when I lost my love for him. By the grace of God when it was time for me to deliver, I had a beautiful baby boy. I looked at him and all my sorrows faded.
I expected the arrival of the baby to change him a little. I thought holding our baby in his arms would soften his heart. I was wrong. He still bounces from one woman to the other. He insults me at the least chance. He never accepts responsibility for his actions so he never apologizes for his mistakes. Through it all, I try to play my part as a wife. I do things for him and get him gifts. He never even says “Thank you.” Sharing this story makes me realize how much I have suffered.
When my maternity leave was over I suggested we send the baby to daycare so I could go back to work. He said, “No, I can’t afford it. Even if I could I won’t allow it until he is a year old.” I made another suggestion; “We should get a nanny then.” He said, “I am not comfortable having a complete stranger take care of my child.” I asked him, “What do we do then?” He said, “Find a way to make it work. You are not the first working woman to have a baby.” The only thing I could do was to send the baby to work. It wasn’t easy but I did it until the baby turned 1. I reminded him, “You said the baby can start school when he is 1. It’s time. Are you ready? His response was, “Where is the money?”
I didn’t believe him. I went into his phone and read his chats with his side chicks. He promised to buy one of them a new TV and then sent her GHC400. He sent another girl GHC200 to go to the salon. The salon one really hurt me. It was around that time I asked him to buy a cake for our son’s first birthday celebration. I told him I’d take care of everything else. He shook his head at me and sang his anthem, “I don’t have money.” I was so angry to see that he chose a side chick’s braids over our son’s first birthday cake. I confronted him and he lied through his teeth.
Fast forward a month ago my supervisors at work gave me verbal notice, “Please find an alternative for your baby. This place is not child friendly.” I understood their concerns. It was kind of them to allow me to bring him all this time. I decided it was time to have another talk with my husband. The next day when he closed from work I served him dinner. When he finished eating I sat with him and started a conversation about sending the baby to school. His face was buried in his phone throughout my speech. When I finished talking he didn’t reply. I asked him, “Did you hear what I said? What do you have to say?” He flared up; “Leave me alone I’m thinking. If you can’t take care of the child I’ll send him to my sister.” Ouch. That’s where it got to. He threatened to take my child from me. I cried my eyes out that night. I decided then that I would no longer expect anything from him. I would take care of my child like he is not in the picture.
I went through his phone again just recently and saw his chats with the salon girl. She asked him for GHC4000 to buy a new phone, and GHC250 to register for ‘Women in PR’. My husband who tells me all the time that he doesn’t have money agreed to give her the money. They planned to have sleepovers but I don’t care about that. My concern is his attitude towards money when it comes to his family.
At this point, I believe he hates us. I’m running around trying to gather GHC3000 to pay our rent and he is out there sharing money among his girlfriends. Confronting him would just earn me insults so I have kept quiet. My phone’s screen is broken so I’m just gathering evidence for now. When I fix it I’ll post screenshots of their chats everywhere. I’m not doing this to hurt the girl, far from it. I’m doing this to show people the kind of man my husband is. I know doing this might cost me my marriage but I am tired of acting as if everything is okay. He goes about as if he is a decent and responsible man. I will no longer keep things to myself to protect his reputation.
I know I don’t have anyone to blame for my suffering but myself. I saw the signs and I ignored them. Before I married him my girlfriends asked “Are you sure this marriage is a good idea?” They tried to talk me out of it but I didn’t listen. I saw fire and I walked into it. I have learned my lessons.
