They started asking about the woman in my life when I was around twenty-six years. I got lucky. I had a good job right after school, so I was living alone and working in the city at twenty-six. Each time when I went home my dad would ask me, “When are you coming with a woman?” Mom would add her voice, “God has blessed you. What’s left now is to give us grandchildren.” I always answered, “I’m only twenty-six? Which woman would marry a twenty-six-year-old man?” My mom was always quick to add, “When your dad was twenty-six years old, he had a son and that’s you. Who told you twenty-six is too young to marry? Marry early so your junior siblings can follow your footsteps.”
We never concluded that conversation. We left it hanging in the air so we could come back to it another day. Anytime I got home, it dropped on the lips of my parents and they sat talking about it as it’s the most important question in man’s life. I got tired and started looking around for someone I could start a life with. I wasn’t green. I’d been in a series of relationships that didn’t work. Most often, it was my fault it didn’t work out. I was so glued to my work that it made it hard for women to understand I can love them and still love my job. They always want me to choose. They didn’t understand why a man can love two things at the same time. According to them, it was either my job or them.
I remember when the argument got heated between Naa and me she said, “If you love your job that much, why don’t you tuck it between your thighs and sleep with it? Why do you keep coming around when you know that you love something more than you love me?” I said, “I don’t love my job the way you make it sound. The future of us depends on this. Should I throw it away just because I’m in love with you?” She answered, “You need balance, that’s what I’m talking about. Look for that balance before you call on me again.”
I tried finding balance but the kind of work I do has a way of destroying a well-laid plane and throwing away the scale you’re using to measure the balance. She may be with me because I called her to come. I may think I have the whole day but somewhere along the line, a call would come through to destroy everything. When that moment comes, I always choose my work over whatever was in front of me. She asked me, “When you die today will your work die with you? They’ll replace you within a minute. Think about it.”
We couldn’t resolve that differences until someone took her away. She found a boyfriend in May. In December, they were married. I sent her my congratulatory message and she said, “I hope you’re a changed man? If not, every woman would leave you or stay with you and find attention from someone else. You’re a good person but learn to find balance in life.”
When I started looking around for someone, the question on my mind was, “Are you in the place where the balance wouldn’t be a problem for you?” I thought the best way for me is to find someone around my profession. If she’s in my profession then she’ll understand me and see the reason I do what I do. I got closer to Elinam and later proposed to her. She accepted and crept slowly into my life. Everything was about her. For some time, all my focus was on her. She ticked the boxes and also spoke the language of my tribe. I knew my parents wouldn’t have anything to say against her.
Our relationship was about six months old when I thought of introducing her to my parents. it was just around that time that I started seeing some red flags. It started as a rumour from colleagues who knew we were dating. I didn’t give them ears because true love doesn’t listen to rumours. But I didn’t ignore them completely. I opened my eyes to what I previously closed my eyes to. I saw the signs and started asking questions; “Is it true what they say about you and that guy in administration?” She swore heaven and earth that whatever I heard was a lie. Lies have a way of turning themselves in so one day the truth fell right on my lap.
I went through her phone and saw the conversations. The guy asked her the same question I asked her; “Is it true what I hear about you and Jude?” She swore heaven and earth that I was just a friend. She even went ahead to tell him, “Yes, he proposed to me at some point but I didn’t accept it. We’ve been friends since then.”
How did she think she could hide that from us—two guys in the same company whose offices are not far from each other? What gave her that audacity to think she could play us? When she came around I said, “I won’t fight over love. You can have him since you didn’t accept my proposal.” She was so embarrassed she couldn’t say anything. She left and left with the remains of our relationship. We were over from that very moment. I thanked my stars that I didn’t introduce her to my parents. If I did and that happened, they would have picked her side and convinced me to forgive her.
At thirty, I couldn’t fight this fight again. Whenever my parents raised that argument, I kept quiet and listened to them. My dad said, “Maybe you need help. We’ll help you.” I didn’t understand the kind of help he was talking about but I didn’t ask questions too. Being silent cuts the conversation short so I didn’t ask questions and didn’t contribute to anything they said that day. One day, dad called. He said, “Come home. She’ll be here on Saturday.” I asked him, “Who will be there on Saturday?” Mom added, “You don’t have to know. Just trust us and come.”
I was there late Saturday evening and they called a lady to come around. I was there when she walked in…a very shy-looking lady who struggled to look at me in the face at first. Mom said, “Look at who we found for you. Isn’t she gorgeous? It looks like we know your taste and we picked exactly that.” The whole thing looked like a joke so I was laughing. Honestly, the lady is beautiful—more beautiful than any woman I’d dated. She looked calm and well-raised judging from the way she speaks. I asked her, “What did they tell you that you agreed to be here?”
She smiled girlishly without saying a word. I asked again, “Did they tell you to be my girlfriend and you accepted?” Again, she only smiled. I looked at her eyes, very innocent. I asked her, “How old are you?” My mom got up and left the room. My dad followed. She answered, “I’m twenty-six. I asked again, “So what did they tell you before you agreed to meet me?” She answered, “Your dad said you saw me around and told him you would like to know me. They told me you’ll be here today so I should come around, that’s why I’m here. What do you want to know?”
That question caught me off-guard but I wasn’t ready to make liars out of my parents so I engaged her in a lengthy conversation where I got to know her educational background, her work and what she intends to do with her future. She was doing her national service and had a dream of becoming something in the estate market. I said in my head, “She fits the bill but how can I trust her? Where did they pick her from that they are throwing her on me?” We exchanged contacts and she left.
My dad: “How did you see her? Isn’t she pretty?”
My mom: “Do you check her? This one is straight from home. We know her parents and we know they create angels out of their daughters. Nothing to fear. We have stamped it.”
I said, “I’m not ready to be in a relationship now but I will keep her as a friend and see where it goes from here.”
That was six months ago. She doesn’t call me until I call her. That’s understandable because I haven’t proposed to her so I don’t expect anything huge from her. When we talk, she’s happy. There’s no question she doesn’t answer. There’s no request she doesn’t grant me. Everything shows she likes me. What’s left is for me to propose to her and make her mine. The problem now is trust. We live far apart to be able to study each other very well. If I will see her, I will have to travel for over six hours to see her. I don’t like long-distance relationships. It has never been my thing. I’ve always loved my women closer so I can see them and know them.
But this girl looks different. If you can judge a book by the cover then this girl is a bestseller. My only issue is the distance. Looking at the time I have on my hand and the job I do, I won’t have the luxury of time to travel to her often to get to know her. The only option for me now is to marry her as soon as possible so I can bring her closer to me. The question is, what if I marry her and she becomes who I never thought she could be? What if I’m wrong, judging the book by its cover? I don’t believe my parents know her that much. They know her parents as disciplinarians but we all know that we often don’t turn out the way our parents intended.
These are the questions that bother me. I want to know, those of you whose parents arranged your marriage for you, how did it go? Did you end up on the good side of the coin or you say I should abort the mission and lay low?
