We met in church and fell in love. He was the youth president and I was just a floor member. He did his things like a man who knew it all until I fell in love with him. The day I said yes, I was convinced that everything lovers do would happen in our love story. Three months later, we hadn’t kissed or held hands. When I visited him, we would sit outside. His house was closer to the roadside and every car that passed by looked at us. I wasn’t comfortable. I told him, “What’s in your room that you bring me outside here to count cars? Can’t we go inside and talk? Or your mother will beat you when she finds you in the room with a woman?”
That day I pushed the boundaries. Even when he said no and was resisting my attempt to go inside, I forced myself in and made myself comfortable on his bed. He was standing there looking at me. My intention wasn’t sex. I just didn’t want to be outside where the whole would know that I’d visited my boyfriend. He wouldn’t sit nor lie beside me on the bed. I said, “It’s your room, please be comfortable.” He would go outside and come back in and then go outside again. I was disturbed. I didn’t understand what was going on so I asked him, “You want me to go out?” He nodded and then said, “It’s more comfortable on the outside than here and I would tell you why.”
He told me he was a virgin. “I don’t know how you see me but I’m innocent. I haven’t touched a woman before. You’re my second girlfriend and I don’t want to be in a situation where things of that nature would come into our minds. When we sit outside, we are in the open so such intentions won’t creep in.” To say I was disappointed would be an understatement. It was never my intention to date a guy who is innocent. It’s different when a guy tells you we can’t do it until marriage. You know he has done it before but this time around he’s trying to save it for the last. Kobby was different. He hadn’t even touched a woman before. I asked in my head, “How is this going to work? Am I the one going to teach him where to put what?”
If my love for him was to the brim, it came down to half. Instead of saying, “This is it. This is the love I deserve and I’m going to work at it until the end,” I told myself, “Let me try and see how it would go.”
He saw the signs that everything wasn’t the same so he started getting worried. When I didn’t call him all day and he called, he ranted as if I had left him for another man. When he sent a text and I didn’t respond early, he told me, “Tell me the truth. Who do you have in your life now? Am I the only one or there’s someone else?” I did my best just to keep the relationship going but at every step of the way, I was worried. I didn’t know what the future was going to be like and I didn’t know what our shuperu life was going to be like. It was important to me that I got it right than do trial and error with the one life I’ve been given.
I remember one day I was with him in my room when I asked him calmly, “Kobby, are you sure your this thing can rise? Are you very sure that it rises with the sun in the morning?” He burst out laughing. I told him, “I’m serious here. I don’t want any surprises in my love journey. I’m keeping myself for you until marriage. That means I expect so much after marriage. I don’t want a situation where you’ll try to spark and the engine won’t respond. That would kill my spirit and that would bring me down to ground zero. Strip off your pant let me see if it rises.” He saw the seriousness on my face and started responding with the same seriousness. He asked, “You think I’m keeping secrets? I’m energetic. I can last the mile and yes, it rises with the sun every morning and it bows to greet me. I’m a strong child so don’t be deceived.
I struggled with him that day. He won’t let me touch it but I forced my way and my hand had a feel of it for a microsecond. I told myself, “It’s not bad but does it rise up? Any man at his game would rise up looking at the conversation we are having but it’s flaccid. Can this man really deliver?”
On our first day at counselling, I told our pastor, “I’m not sure if he can perform. That’s my only worry in this relationship so I want him to make it clear here in front of God that everything is correct and that I’m not going to be disappointed on my honeymoon.” Pastor laughed. Kobby laughed. I was the only one who didn’t laugh because I knew what that meant to me. The pastor said, “Don’t worry, when we get to ‘Couple Intimacy’, we’ll talk about all that.”
We got married and did it for the first time and I realized everything was ok. My heart rested. My mind was at peace. My body responded to every touch and it was awesome I could feel that again after two years of being forced to be celibate.
We’ve been married for a year and a half now. Everything is fine in our marriage except our shuperu life. Honestly, it’s not even about our shuperu life but about the silly questions my husband asks me anytime we are doing it or after we are done with it. Because he doesn’t know much, anything I do surprises him and he asks questions that make me angry. I wanted us to have fun in bed so I made it a point to introduce styles and positions that would spice things up for us. The first day I put his thing in my mouth, I realized he was enjoying it. His body froze and he couldn’t move for a very long time. He was panting as if he had run a marathon. After everything, I was expecting him to say thank you. He didn’t. The question he asked me was, “So who taught you how to do that? Which of your exes gave you that lessons? How did it even start and how many of them did you do that to?”
I turned on my other side, pulled the cloth on me and slept. He sneaked into the cloth; “I’m asking you a question. Don’t pretend you didn’t hear me.” I ignored him. He said, “I’m not asking that because I’m angry ooo. It’s just for us to have a conversation.” I ignored him and kept sleeping.” Another time it was about something different I did during shuperu. He said, “So this one too who taught you? I now understand the reason why you were worried. You’re a champion in this game. Please take it slow with me, I’m my mother’s only son.” He had moved from asking questions to teasing me. Another time too it was something like, “Eiii, you’ve given people’s sons pleasure paaa ooo. And you were in church looking innocent like that? You can do all that? What a wow. Calm waters indeed drown easily.”
I’ve had it to my neck so that day I gave it to him. I didn’t insult him but I told him my mind. That I hate such questions and it makes me feel demeaned and deflates my self-confidence. “Stop asking those questions. You might think it’s a joke but it’s not funny to me. What sort of life is that? Can’t you keep quiet and enjoy what you’re served?
But I learned. I learned to keep things to myself. I learned to lie there like a log and take what is given. I learned how to be bland in bed so I don’t hear questions that dig into my past and make me feel like I’ve had it with thousand different men. After a while, he started complaining, nagging actually. “You’ve become lazy all of a sudden. How long have we been married that you’ll make things look like you’re tired of me? Why don’t you do this again and why have you stopped touching here and here? Why do you lie there as if you don’t feel what’s going on? Are you tired of me already?”
I told him calmly, “We are doing this because of babies and not for pleasure. Keep quiet and let’s get pregnant. I want my peace in bed. I give you peace so learn to reciprocate.” Now, atiti ne ni so, so he doesn’t come close to me often. You could see he wants it but he wants it on my terms where everything is hyper. I’m way beyond that now and I’m never going to do things that would elicit those demeaning questions. We’ve been married less than two years but because his mouth won’t sleep, our bedroom is dead. I’m worried and he’s worried. I don’t know how to help him. Anytime I try to help, his questions keep ringing in my ears and I get deflated. Trust me, Sometimes I want to ignore his voice and go on with it but I can’t. They are louder than my resolve and I can’t go on doing things while his voice screams those questions in my head.
