My dad abandoned me when I was a child. Leaving my mother to shoulder the burden of raising me and my siblings. My mother did the best she could as a single mother in a difficult world. I watched her toil day and night just so we could have full stomachs, clothes on our backs, and a roof over our heads. Putting us through school stretched her thin but she did not give up. I am sure that if the devil had appeared to her and made her an offer like “Give me your soul in exchange for a good future for your children.” She would have done it without losing a night’s sleep. That’s how far she would go for us.
At some point in my education, my mother’s strength could no longer carry me. I was blossoming into womanhood at the time. Men looked at me with hunger in their eyes. Some of them had propositioned me; “You are beautiful. If you agree to be my girlfriend I will take good care of you.” I had turned all of them down until it got to that point where my education was at stake. I knew the kind of life I wanted for myself. I knew I could only achieve that with good education. I was willing to do whatever I had to do to guarantee that I didn’t drop out of school. The next time a man offered to take care of my needs in exchange for my body, I accepted it. I wasn’t happy. There was no delusion of love from either side. We knew what we had was a business transaction. I gave him what he needed and he made it worth my while.
As I went along, I took on a few more men. I paid my school fees and took care of other academic needs with the money I got from my transaction with them. After I completed school, I got a good job so I no longer felt the need to continue my business transaction with these men. They had served their purpose. I prayed for God’s forgiveness and moved on with my life. The next relationship I went into was with a love interest. He was someone I wanted a future with. As the relationship progressed, I realized this man did not love me. He was only nice to me when he wanted shuperu. He ignored me most of the time and got verbally abusive when I tried to complain. The relationship broke my spirit and I just had to leave for my sanity’s sake.
After him, I met my husband. Our beginning was beautiful. The day we got married was one of the happiest days in my life. I felt my life was finally heading in a happy direction. I thought, “After everything I have been through, I have finally met someone who loves me. I finally met someone I belong with.” We were very happy in the early years of our marriage. We believed we could reach up to the sky and pluck the stars. The world was ours to conquer, or so I thought. Then came kids, and responsibilities. Our marriage became strained. My husband was under a lot of stress as the head of the family. And he took it out on me.
Happiness turned into emotional abuse. Laughter turned into tears. I spent a lot of time on my knees praying that God will fix what was broken in my marriage. I prayed for years but nothing happened. I realized that God couldn’t fix something that didn’t want to be fixed. My husband’s attitude was what needed fixing. I tried to talk to him several times but he wouldn’t listen. His catchphrase was “Leave me alone. I want to think.” Whatever I tried to talk to him about, was met with that line. Now we have been married for ten years and our marriage is one bad fight away from crumbling. I did my best to make it work. I fought for our love and our dreams. But I was fighting alone. How was I supposed to win the fight for us when my husband won’t even acknowledge there was anything to fight for? .
That’s how I got tired and changed my prayer topic. I started praying for God to give me a second chance at happiness. “God you created Eve out of Adam’s rib. If my Adam is out there please lead him to me. I too deserve to be loved by a man.” When I started that prayer topic, I had dreams of myself happy with a man. I never saw his face but he was not my husband. The dream kept recurring until one day an old friend reached out to him. The last time I spoke to this person was twenty-six years ago when we were in J.S.S.
When he called he said “I have been searching for you for the past five years. I don’t know why but I have this strong feeling that you need me. Is everything okay?”
I was surprised by his question. I hadn’t told anyone what I was going through. That day I didn’t tell him either. Instead, I asked about his life and he told me everything that was going wrong in his marriage. We spoke every day after that and eventually, I confided in him about my marital problems too. A few weeks later he told me, “Ever since we started talking, I feel a sense of completeness. Every time I talk to you I feel this peace deep inside my soul.” His confession mirrored my feelings for him. As time went on we grew a very strong connection. He feels it when I’m distressed and calls me immediately to offer his comfort.
At one time I stepped on a broken bottle, and he also cut himself with a blade at that same time. And he called to ask if I was okay. There was another time I had a severe headache, he called just at that moment and also complained of a headache. We have the same intuition and we think alike.
What we have feels like a soul tie. When I discussed it with my sister, she said we are soul mates. Soul tie, soulmate, twin flame, or whatever it is we share is so strong it can only be true. He makes me feel beautiful even on days I don’t. He has been my pillar in my crumbling marriage. Because of him, I am confident to take on the world. As the days go by, our connection grows stronger. Sometimes we can read each other’s minds. I feel blessed that God brought him to me.
The sad part is that we are still in unhappy marriages. We want to divorce our partners but we don’t have any grounds to stand on. We are praying that someday, a door will open and we will get to be together.
Until then, we are living one day at a time and trusting in God’s plans for us.