I hope this letter finds you well. Contrary to what you believe, I don’t wish you ill. Our son is doing wonderfully. You know, he reminds me of you sometimes. His smile is a clone of yours. And he has this fire inside him that he could have only gotten from you.
I want you to know that even though we didn’t work out, I do care about you. And I am thankful for the time we shared. Five years of life lessons and love and manipulations dressed as love. It’s been a hell of a ride, wouldn’t you say? I know that you are probably still upset with me for calling off our wedding. That’s why I am writing you this letter. I need you to understand how unhealthy our relationship was. You sought to change me into someone who will fit into an image of your ideal woman. So you always used words like “I don’t like the way you talk.” “I don’t like it when you behave like this.” “Why can’t you be a little tame?” P.K these words chipped away at my self-esteem until I was completely broken down.
I became a shadow of myself, constantly walking on eggshells. I didn’t know what else I might do to anger you. So I became guarded, caged into myself. You were happy to see me that way. You were happy that I was willing to do anything to make you happy. You liked it when I bowed to your whims and emptied every shred of self-respect at your feet. Oh, how you relished crushing my spirit with your cruelty. Love, that’s what you called it. “I am doing this because I love you. I want you to be a prim and proper woman worthy of being my wife.” That’s what you often said. I never did anything right in your eyes. If it wasn’t your way, then it was wrong. Sometimes I still hear your voice in my head, bellowing my flaws at me. I don’t know how long it would take to be completely free of your haunting memories but I am making the effort to recover.
I remember how often you dismissed me when I tried to tell you how much you were hurting me. You acted as if I didn’t bring any value to the relationship. You refused to acknowledge and appreciate the sacrifices I was making and my efforts to make things work. I put your needs above mine, always. I supported your dreams and stood by you even when your family let you down. Did I get a thank you? No. All you did was make me feel I was not enough for you. When I got pregnant with our son, you acted as if I had wronged you by choosing to keep the baby.
You didn’t protect me when I was judged by everyone in my life. You weren’t there for me when my body was waging war on itself because of the pregnancy. All those times I experienced morning sickness, running to the bathroom during important work meetings, I went through it alone. Because you were busy fighting with me every step of the way. I never got a simple text from you asking about my progress. “How are you coping with work and the changes in your body?” “How was antenatal today? What did the doctor say?” “What can I do to ease your discomfort?” There was none of that.
You knew I had the baby through C.S yet you got upset when I wasn’t healed enough to give you shuperu. I loved you P.K, with everything in me but not to the point where I would have shuperu with you while I had a gaping wound on my abdomen. How could you fight with me because of that? And you expected me to believe you loved me? The sad part was that our baby was born blue. I was terrified in the theatre that day and almost lost my life when I thought the baby wouldn’t live. But God saved both our lives and brought us home safely. You didn’t even show any emotions when I shared this with you. You acted as if we could have died, and you wouldn’t be affected.
Then I got hit with postpartum depression. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it but I tried to tell you. And what did you say? “You have depression? You don’t know what you are talking about. Have you seen an African experience depression before? It doesn’t happen. So stop being dramatic.” Instead of listening, you shut me down. I thank God for holding my hands and bringing me out of that dark place. And I thank Him for opening my eyes to the truth of you. P.K you didn’t love me. I honestly think the only reason you wanted to marry me is because of our son. I know you didn’t plan your life to have a baby out of wedlock. So you felt out of control when it happened. That’s why you wanted the marriage to happen even though all the signs showed that we were wrong for each other.
I mused over the five years we spent together and knew that things would only get worse going forward. I saw our future, and in it I was unhappy. I couldn’t bring myself to go through with the marriage after that. It was a hard thing to do but it was necessary.
When I called off the wedding, you went about telling people I never loved you. You painted me as a gold digger. Even though we both know that I never wanted your money. All I wanted was for you to accept me. All I ever asked was that you apologize when you were wrong. But it seemed I was asking for too much. It’s all good now. God gave me peace. I am no longer angry at you. I learned to forgive myself too. I am not plotting to hurt you in any way so rest your mind. I want you to know that I am healing, and I pray for you. I want you to find happiness because I understand that, hurt people hurt people. So I pray that you heal too and find peace as I have.