My dearest SKK,
You wouldn’t remember the first time we met, but I do. I was in your drinking den with my friends and you were shooting pool with a friend. My seat was directly across from you, and I must say that I enjoyed the view. The balls didn’t go in the direction you wanted them to so you said “Fuck”, then looked up at me and apologized. “What a gentleman?” I thought, “He apologizes when he says a curse word in front of a lady.” The memory of that day followed me around until I met you again.
The second time we met I was in a bad place. I had just found out that my ex didn’t take long to move on from me. We were over then but I didn’t expect him to move on so quickly like we never happened. I was so raw with shock and hurt when I saw him with his new woman. My sister, who worked for you invited me over to your bar to keep me distracted. That was the day she introduced me to you. As part of our banter, I said I’d teach you my mother tongue and you promised to teach me yours. I remember saying, “Good. My grandma comes from your tribe but I never learned her language. It will be nice to learn it from you.”
Slowly, you crept into my heart and made your home there. My head was all jumbled up with thoughts of you. You made me feel we could be so much more than friends. And I wanted it. I devoured all the attention and caresses you fed me. You loved every bit of it, didn’t you? The way I responded to your touch, and the way I altered my life to accommodate the possibility of a future with you. I didn’t want much from you. All I wanted was companionship, physical intimacy, and someone to care for. You made me believe you could give me all that. And oh, my dear, the things you did to me and with me. In my emotionally weak state, the ground was clear for you.
Then you stopped calling. You became too busy to text me “Hello” all of a sudden. I found myself wondering, “What did I do to offend him? Even if I did offend him, why won’t he tell me so we work it out?” I repeatedly asked you, “Do you still want to be with me? Because you are not acting like it.” Your answer was always, “Yes I want to be with you.” And I watched as your actions contradicted your words. I was a confused mess for weeks while you thrived and went about your life as if nothing was amiss.
When I tried to tell you how you made me feel, you told me I was nagging you. Then you sent your friend to talk to me. He grilled me, “What do you want from SKK? What can he do to make you happy?” I wasn’t happy that someone who wasn’t in our relationship had gotten in the middle of it. I remember telling him, “I want to have this conversation with him and not you.” You never availed yourself to talk. It was as if you preferred me silent and compliant with all your wishes. If you had listened, you would know that I just wanted you as my companion. Did you know that your friend asked me out? Was it part of your ploy to get me off your hands?
You kept talking about how you didn’t trust women. I remember telling you, “If it’s about trust issues I also have them. Everything a man could do to hurt a woman, I have experienced. The only thing that hasn’t been done to me yet is murder. But I’m willing to leave it all in the past and start afresh with you.” You said you understood, and I believed you. What did you do after that? You made a move on my closest friend. Someone I have been friends with for over a decade.
You touched her in my presence, and whispered things into her ears that made her giggle knowing very well that I would be watching. Some of the things you said to her, you had said to me. I watched how she melted at your caresses and swooned at the attention you fed her. SKK, I’d never been cut deeper. But somehow, I put aside my hurt and told my friend that if she wanted to pursue something with you, I wouldn’t object. It wasn’t my place to claim a man who didn’t want me, was it?
I just want you to know that it hurt to see you two together. I don’t even know what I did to deserve that. I know that women often threw themselves at you because of your money. But I didn’t even want your money. What I fell in love with, was your personality, your intelligence, and your words. You do have a way with words. I know we are over but I can’t get rid of your memories.
Especially the one where you would hold the back of my neck and fix your brown depthless eyes on me. That’s how you used to claim me in public. A firm grip and an intense look. I shudder when I think about the way your fingers delve into my locks while you whisper something into my ear. The way you hold me when I’m cold and kiss me on my forehead. The way you truly listen to me when you want to listen. Oh, and I remember how you got shy with me sometimes. Now I watch you do all that with my friend, and I’m supposed to be okay?
SKK, I would have loved you with everything in me and you wouldn’t even know what hit you.
But I promise you, I’m going to be okay soon enough. This one too is a lesson that didn’t kill me. I know that one day I’ll wake up with zero thoughts of you. I won’t think about the things you did that stole my heart. Or the things you promised that gave me hope. Or the inappropriate things you whispered while we were in a room full of people.
I’m thankful that I didn’t give my body to you all the way. That would have made me a bigger mess than I am now. I miss you, but I’m going through it so that I can get better. I still want you, but someday I’ll get over it. I still wake up in the night hearing your whispers in my head. I still reach out to you instinctively whenever I am near you.
I say your name when the pain becomes too much. I ask God why He brought you into my life if you weren’t meant to stay. But I understand that these are part of the healing process. Oh, I will forget you one day. I will heal, I know I will.