Lately, I have been playing over a montage of our journey in my head. I think of how we began as friends. Our friendship was so beautiful that we believed we would make the perfect couple. “Take this leap of faith with me and let’s try this love thing.” You proposed. “I have known him for four years. I believe I know him well enough to give him a chance.” I thought. After all, people always advise that it’s best to marry your friend. I remember the day I said yes to your proposal. We were both so happy. And despite all my past loves gone wrong, I promised to love you with my all.
You will admit that I did love you, fiercely and recklessly. Kojo, I plunged myself into the deep end of our love, as though I had never had my heart ripped apart by a lover. I put blind trust in you and hungrily ate up your promises. Our happiness lasted for a month until I found you out. I came across all the flirtatious messages you were sending to other girls. Instead of admitting that you were wrong, you turned it around and made it seem like I didn’t trust you. I had to leave your place in anger.
After everything, I still came back. I was determined to make it work. We spoke and agreed that we would start premarital counselling at church. Do you remember the stress you put me through? Out of twelve sessions, you were present for only two. Even with the two, I had to beg you before you went. Then I ended up sitting through the remaining sessions by myself. That alone was a big red flag but I chose to let love blind me. So I continued to stay, praying and hoping that you would come to your senses and start acting right. Only for you to go and see my family for the marriage list without informing me. It was my mother who called me a day before your visit and gave me a heads-up. “He took a major decision about us without talking to me. That’s another red flag.” I thought.
I changed my mind about you after that. I wanted to forget all about our history and the promises of a future and move on. But the elders advised me against it. They told me, “Some people start rocky but end up good. Give him some time to change.” So I decided to go along and hoped you would change. Kojo, I might as well have been hoping for snow in Ghana. You and change were parallel to each other. Your indifference toward our relationship became more apparent with time. You went for the list in February and promised my family that we would be married in October yet you refused to discuss any marriage plans with me. It was after persistent attempts to talk to you that you told me, “I think October is too close to get everything done. Let’s postpone our plans to March next year.”
So I started looking back at the progress of our relationship. And it occurred to me that I was more invested in us than you ever were. While I always gave you gifts, you never reciprocated. I complained about it and told me, “No one made a rule that lovers should be exchanging gifts.” And there is the fact that you never took me out. I even begged you once to take me out, and you said, “I am not in this relationship to show off my girlfriend.” That day I sat in my room and wept, wondering, “If he won’t show me off now, will he do it when we are married?”
A few days after that I visited you at home. You left me alone around 5:00 PM and returned around midnight. When I complained you smiled and said, “I knew you would be waiting for me. You will always be there for me.” That was when I began to understand why you would never change. Somehow you believed that I would never leave you no matter what you do. We were good friends but our relationship has left a bitter feeling in my heart.
There are days I tell myself, “I am partly to blame for this. I made excuses for him when all this started. I let things slide because of love.” Kojo, you won’t believe the things I never spoke about because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. Let’s take our shuperu for instance. It was really bad and it never went beyond two minutes, but I endured it for two years, all in the name of love. Then I found out you were involved with my friend. When I confronted you, you lied to my face; “I am only talking to her because I want to hook her up with my friend.” I called you out on your BS and gave you an ultimatum; “I don’t want to play this game with you. You are either with me or you are with her. You can’t string us both along.”
When you opened up your mouth, you gave me the silliest of excuses anyone had ever come up with. That, “You know I’m very secretive about our relationship. If people see me with her they won’t suspect that I am dating you. I am just using her as a cover.” Do you know how that made me feel? I got angry and we got into a big fight but you refused to listen to me. We had another big fight when I started my building project. Instead of being supportive, you were angry. You told me to keep the details to myself. It was evident that you didn’t care at all about my feelings or anything that concerned me.
I tried, I prayed, I spoke to you, and I did everything possible to make us work but you held on to what made only you happy. Your actions made me live a single life in our relationship. I didn’t see a future with you because you never invested anything but stress in my life. I loved you but I also know that love alone cannot sustain a marriage. I am scared of what the future holds if I leave but I think my future with you will be more terrifying. So I’m sharing this letter here, looking for the courage to do what’s best for me.