I have never experienced true love from my family. I suppose you could say that I come from a broken home. My mother raised my two siblings and me while my father played ‘Happily Family’ with his other wife and kids. It wasn’t easy for me to watch my mom suffer to put food on the table for us. And because she was doing it without my father’s input, she worked extra hard. This often left me with little or no parental protection. Whenever my mother was home, she wouldn’t allow me to go out so I often lied to her whenever I needed to visit my friends.
When I started growing into an adolescent, no one taught me about boys or how to have healthy relationships with the opposite sex. I was left to figure it out on my own. And in the course of finding things out, I could not differentiate between love and lust. When someone gives me a little attention I get attached to them and then start thinking I love them. That’s how in SHS, I thought I was in love with our chaplain prefect so I seduced him and slept with him. It was after the deed that I realized what I felt for him was not love, it was lust. I am a Christian so I felt guilty about what I did, and I confessed it to the church pastor. I was hoping this man would pray with me and encourage me to sin no more. Instead, he told everyone what I did, and I had to bear judgmental stares from my self-righteous colleagues throughout my stay at school.
As a Christian, I know the repercussions of sexual sin yet I do it. This lifestyle has followed me around for a long time, and I must admit that I’m exhausted. I have male friends, and whenever I visit them they end up having their way with me even though I don’t want to do it. It is after the act is over that I tell them, “No, this can’t happen again. I only like you as a friend.” I don’t know if I have a spiritual problem or if I am just weak-willed, because why wouldn’t I say no before the act? It is only after the deed is done that I get back to my senses and decide that I don’t want to have anything sexual to do with them again.
I sometimes also sleep with men with the intention of getting financial help because my parents are not able to provide for my needs. When I was in university, for instance, I fended for myself. The only thing my family did was pay my school fees. Every other thing was my responsibility. Nobody holds me accountable for the way I live my life. So, I do what I have to do to survive and my people even take money from me sometimes.
Earlier this year, I was having shuperu with my sugar daddy and he died during the act. Out of fear and guilt, I decided to get closer to God so that I could change my ways. I am a church girl, I have always been, but I am not committed to God. So the death of my sponsor was a wake-up call. I told God, “I keep saying that I will change but I never do. Now, a man has died in my arms. And I don’t need anyone to tell me that I have finally hit rock bottom. I have seen it all at this point and am truly repentant. Please, help me live a life of purity.”
Truly, I changed, but it was just a nine-day wonder. Either this is my true nature or maybe it is because I am lonely, and I don’t have anyone to talk to. All I know is that I long for companionship, and end up seeking it between the sheets of men who don’t even understand what it is that I need. Currently, my sister-in-law helped me get a job in her organization. And we’ve been working together for two months now. Within this short time, I’ve slept with my supervisor and made out with my operations manager.
I know this is going to be a deadly situation should it come out but I did it anyways. It is now that I’m regretting my actions. I’m twenty–seven years old but I’ve lost count of the number of men I have had shuperu with. I’m not happy with what I’m doing. I sometimes have dreams where someone comes to play or has shuperu with me and after some months, I find myself having shuperu. That has been the cycle. I’ve never had a partner or truly dated anyone. What happens is, I meet someone, we become friends, I get attached to them, and we have shuperu. Then afterwards I set boundaries and we remain good friends.
I always regret my actions and guilt trip myself for a while, but I repeat the cycle when I meet someone else. I sometimes wish I could end it all because I’m a mess. I’m sharing this story so I can get help because I can’t keep on living this life. I’m tired and need a break but I don’t know how to do it. Because anytime I try, I do it for a while and then return to my old ways. I’ve prayed, fasted, and sowed seeds but nothing seems to be working. I need help, please, because I’m mentally stressed and drained.
