I recently saw this picture of the Chairman of the Church of Pentecost with the message “Don’t marry before you meet your spouse”. This message sent chills down my spine when I began to think deeply about it. I understood the message from various perspectives from the life of a young man or woman who wants to get married. This has struck me to write this letter to you.
I think about the life we planned to have if we got married. I think about all the big things we were sure we would accomplish. Believe it or not, I was sad to see us come to an end. Saying goodbye to you was like watching the rainbow leave the sky. I had to come to terms with the fact that even though we were enchanting, we were not meant to stay together forever. I think ours was a case of bad fate because I didn’t even know what I wanted in a partner when I met you. But being with you opened my eyes to what I did not want in a partner. I know I shouldn’t bother about the past anymore. After all, I have a wife now and we are happy together. I don’t know if you’ve met someone else too, but I’m writing this letter hoping to help you do better in your next relationship.
Yaa when we first met you opened up to me about your past. You had been with two other guys before me but that didn’t bother me at all. I was your third boyfriend but I was also determined to be your last. I wanted to be the man to walk you down the aisle and whisk you off into the sunset. Every time I looked at you I thought, “Why would anyone walk away from someone this beautiful? These guys are idiots.” What I didn’t know was that your beauty did not extend to your character. You entered our relationship with luggage from your past. You treated me as if I was going to leave you as the others did. There were times I told you “The day I marry you will be the happiest day of my life.” You scrunched your face and said, “That’s what my ex also said but where is he now? Someday you will also leave.” Do you know how it made me feel to have my feelings dismissed?
Your anger. I could write a novel about your anger issues and even get a sequel out of it. You were easily angered but that wasn’t the scary part. The part that concerned me was the way you expressed those feelings. You would scream and throw hurtful words at me. Sometimes you threw whatever you could get your hands on. This made me wary of you. I was constantly trying to behave in a way that wouldn’t make you angry. I could never be myself in the relationship. You knew I like teasing the people close to me yet you got angry every time I teased you. How do you expect us to always be serious with each other? No jokes, no loud laughter, no playing together. I know that I’m a grown man but I’m also playful. I like the idea of playing and laughing with my partner as kids do. You never allowed it. Everything had to be about your needs and your wants.
All I ever wanted was for you to be a little progressive in your thoughts, take my needs into consideration, be reasonably religious, stop being vindictive, and love me and my family unconditionally. Was that too much to ask for? I tried so hard to mould you into the Biblical Proverbs 31 woman but you refused to bend. You acted as if your beauty alone was enough to make us work. I don’t deny that if it was just about beauty, we would have been a perfect couple. Please take note that attitude also counts, and per my standards, your attitude is nothing to write home about. Also, don’t go about dumping your emotional baggage on people whose only intent is to love you and treat you well. You will end up making monsters out of angels if you continue living that way.
I tried to warn you, do you remember? I tried to tell you everything you were doing that was killing our love but you didn’t hear me out. You took my complaints as insults. This is also the same way you behaved when we had problems. You wouldn’t sit down peacefully for us to talk about things. Instead, you would get defensive and behave as if we were competing against each other for who is right and who is wrong. How could I possibly marry a woman like that?
I also remember when you started pursuing your bachelor’s degree. It felt as if you were taking the course to prove something to me. You dropped hints through your actions and certain remarks that you were trying to compete with me. While I was interested in your personal and career growth.
I realized that I wanted a woman who would be financially independent without trying to rub shoulders with me. I would have celebrated you in every way; your milestones and even your little wins. There was no need for a power struggle but that’s what happened. This is another reason why I got tired and started looking for someone else. That was when I met the woman I married. She was everything you were not. I didn’t have to try so hard with her. She fit perfectly into the dreams I had for my future. That is why I chose her over you.
Yaa, I hope you work on yourself and be a better person. Don’t go hoping from one man to another in a frantic search for love and validation. It will not help you. The right man will find you when you are ready.
I wish you well.