The first time you ghosted me, I didn’t take it to heart. I convinced myself that it wasn’t your fault. You had started a new relationship so maybe my presence in your life was no longer necessary. At least that’s what I told myself. But in all honesty, I shouldn’t have made excuses for you after the way you strung me along until you met someone you wanted.
Then you came back into my life out of nowhere. Your girlfriend had left you so you found your way back to me. I took one look at you and thought, “There is an old saying that if you love someone set them free; if they come back to you, it was meant to be. So now that he is back it means he is mine to keep.”
My affection for you increased when you continuously painted an image of a perfect picture for our future. Your plans were not detailed but the sketch was enough to pull me in. With words like “When we get married we will do this,” and “When you become my wife we will live like this,” how could I not have believed what we had was real? I did things I normally wouldn’t do just to make you happy. I ignored so many of my needs and let you lead. I was told by many people, “Let him be the man, and let him command the ship.” So I did exactly that.
I remember when I used to ask you, “Is this for real? You talk about us and the future, but I haven’t seen you do anything to show me that you are committed to this relationship. I hope you are not stringing me along again until someone else comes along.” You laughed and said, “Will I ever hear the end of this? Because I messed up the first time, you are holding it against me. Relax, I’m in this for real.” And I hang on to every word you said because I loved you.
One of my most memorable moments was when I was so overwhelmed with love for you that I went down on my knees and prayed to God about you. I told him to help us become better people for each other, and to each other. After the prayer, I felt so at peace with myself. And that was the first time I ever felt at peace with any man. Surprisingly, it was at a time when you were not spending any money on me, or lavishing me with expensive gifts. So it wasn’t that I was with you for your money.
I suppose your disinterest in spending money on me should have been enough to make me question your intentions. But instead, I made more excuses for you. I tried to understand that you were going through a financial crisis. It felt as if we had chosen a bad year to start a romantic relationship. It was the year of the Covid-19 pandemic. Life was difficult for most people and we were no different. So I was just happy that we took comfort in each other. But then you woke up one day and raptured out of my life.
I don’t know what I did. I don’t know what happened. You were just gone. I loved you so much that even as I write this, a few teardrops are leaking from my eyes. But I do not have the courage to hate you. Although you hurt me for the second time, in a year where no one, not even my worst enemy deserved to go through a breakup. Enough time has passed but I am here going through emotional pain because of you, again. I acknowledge that you came back into my life for emotional comfort. And I unknowingly gave it to you when I threw myself into you. That explains why you bolted the moment you got better.
Some days I am tempted to text you and ask if we are really done. I know it sounds crazy to still hold a torch for a man like you. But I can’t help it. One day a friend asked me, “Why do you like this guy so much? He has never given you money. And he barely made time to see you. You guys didn’t even do shuperu, so what is about him?” And all I could say was, “He made me feel safe emotionally.”
31st August 2021, that was the day you ghosted me. And this year on that same day, I took myself out and had a little celebration to commemorate it. It has been a year without a word from you, yet when I heard that you had left the country it nearly broke me. All I could do was think about that time you promised me that you wouldn’t leave the country without telling me about it. I guess that was all I needed to know that you never really cared for me as much as I thought you did.
I know that I am not doing a great job at getting over you but I’m working on it. I remember there was a time when I wanted to stop feeling entirely. I was not suicidal but I hated the constant ache that accompanied thoughts of you. I prayed for God to take away the pain several times but it didn’t go away so I stopped praying. I took you back into my life the first time you ghosted me, but don’t expect the same thing the next time you come back. You made sure to deplete all the kindness and warmth I felt toward you. I cared so much for our friendship back then but now I know that I was never your friend.
I hope that writing this letter will exorcise me of my feelings for you. If that doesn’t work too, I will just patiently wait until time heals me. Till that happens, I just want to say that may we never cross paths again for as long as I live.
